Gary Nathan Abbott

Okay. Here it goes. This is going to be a heavy post for me. I have put this off for over a month now, hoping the thought of putting it here would get easier. It has just gotten harder and harder for me to accept that my 22 year old baby brother is really gone. Even when I type it, or say it out loud, it still seems so surreal. It's like I think my mind accepts it, but when I hear myself say it my heart skips a beat and it's like I'm hearing it for the first time all over again. 

I want to put it here so I know I remember how it happened for me. It's weird, the more conversations I have with family members about it all, it's like I'm already forgetting a lot of it. I hate it... So I want to put my memories of it all here.

 This is the only picture I have of my entire family semi-recently. I love it so much. We're all smiling, we're all  being "us". I don't remember what we had been talking and laughing about, or who's birthday we were celebrating, but we were having a good time and I never want to forget how it was to have my family together. ALL of us. We won't ever all be together again in this life, and man oh man, that's the hardest part to wrap my head and heart around.

It was Sunday April 9th, and I was just getting my kids to bed. Lindsey showed up at my door upset with two women I had never met before. One was Pam, Nathan's landlord, and the other was Julie, one of Nathan's good friends that he was always excited to hang out with when she was home from BYU Idaho. Lindsey said there were some San Juan county park rangers that were calling Smith's Marketplace (where he worked) trying to find "next of kin" for Nathan, but they didn't have any information. When they got out Nathan's paperwork he had filled out on his first day working there, the emergency contact page had nothing on it but his own phone number. No names or anything. So his landlord Pam (who works with him at Smith's), decided to call Julie (who used to work for Smith's) to see if she knew where any of his family members lived. She didn't, but she said she knew around the area where his sister lived (Lindsey, who lives right behind me). They searched and searched in the dark, at night, until they found it.

They show up on my doorstep, all visibly upset. I invited them all in, and we sat talking about what we think might have happened... we knew he went to Moab for the weekend with friends... maybe there was a car crash and he was in a hospital somewhere. Maybe he got arrested for drugs and needed us to pick him up... all the scenarios were that he was in trouble, but we had no clue what kind. We called my dad, who lives about 10 minutes away, and he was immediately on his way to my house to see what was going on. We were all still pretty calm at this point. We decided not to call my mom or other sister Natalie, as to not upset anyone or cause unnecessary drama.

Smith's now calls Pam again (who was sitting in my living room). She gave them my sister Lindsey's cell phone number. My dad then showed up, mostly calm and wondering the same questions we were. Lindsey gets a phone call from Smith's, with them asking what my dad's number is so they can give it to the police who are now at Smith's looking for Nathan's family's contact info. Lindsey hands the phone to my dad, and my dad is asking questions but no one will give him any information over the phone. They just need an address of where to find him. He gives them Lindsey's address, and they say they will have the American Fork police over shortly. I call my mom and tell her something serious is up and she better come over, too. We try calling my sister Natalie again and again but her phone seems to be off. At that point, I know for sure it is something a lot more serious than I was originally thinking.

My mom shows up right as we all head over to Lindsey's house to wait for the police to show up. Pam decides to go home - she is upset and tells us to keep her posted as she and Julie leave. My dad, mom, Lindsey and I all sit in the cold on the front porch and wait, and wait, and wait. We were all really quiet. I don't think anyone wanted to say what we were all thinking. It was going to be really, really bad news.

My dad gets a call while we're still waiting on the front porch, and it's his bishop from his Pleasant Grove ward (I still don't know who called him, or how he found out before we did):
Dad: "Hey Bishop. How's it going."
Bishop: very long pause..."How are you."
Dad: another long pause..."Do you want to tell me what's going on?"
Bishop: "Why don't you give me the address of where you are and I'll come over."

That is the second I knew. The second I heard, "Hey Bishop..." I knew Nathan had passed away.

When my dad hung up with his Bishop, two police cars pulled up verrrry slowly. One officer got out of each car and walked up verrrry slowly. They shook my mom and dad's hands, told us their names, then told us the news:
Officer: There's been an accident with your son. There was a death; he took a fall from a cliff.
Dad: Ok. What happened?
Officer: I don't have a lot of information, other than he took a fall from a cliff.
Dad: Were there drugs involved? Where was he?
Officer: Like I said, I don't have a lot of information. The San Juan county sheriff's department will be contacting you shortly to go over the details. They have the information you'll want to know...

There were a few more questions asked, but the officer couldn't answer any of them. Then he told us he was sorry for our loss. They got back in their cars, and drove away.

Joe and I immediately went back to our house. My mom followed us to our house and got a call from the San Juan county sheriff's office right after she walked in. They gave her the story of what had happened:

"The three friends he was with said he was emotional all morning. Hugging them and telling them how much he cared about them. They went on their planned hike to Dead Horse Point that afternoon, and stopped for a break about 45 minutes into the hike. He got agitated that they wanted to stop when they were so close to the top of the hike, but they told him to take it easy, and were just going to take a quick break. Nathan kept walking around, looking over the edge occasionally, still agitated. When they were putting their packs back on and started back on the trail, Nathan hung back, staring out into the canyon. Zack asked Nathan what he was doing, and that's when he dropped his pack and ran off the cliff."

My mom had finally gotten a hold of my sister Natalie, and she hurried over with her husband, Derek. We all sat in my living room that night discussing the details of what needed to happen over the next couple days:

Pick up Nathan's car and belongings in Moab
Call and get information/dates for funeral at church
Get an obituary written
Get details about cremation services and burial plots
Get the key to his room and clean his room out
Order death certificates
Get info on bank accounts/car loan/financials
And the list kept going...

It is so crazy the amount of things that people have to do after a family member dies. Even though Lindsey's ward and my ward did most of the work for the actual funeral, there is so much to plan and so many logistics to work out along the way. It is seriously exhausting for the entire family... I have such empathy for people who have lost loved ones and have to deal with all the peripheral stuff while still trying to grieve and mourn and accept their new reality of life without that person. It's just so much to take on in such a small amount of time.

The next morning my kids woke up, and asked what had happened with Nathan. They were still awake when everything had started to happen the night before, and I told them I'd let them know as soon as we knew. I had been up all night praying and wondering how I was going to tell my kids that their Uncle Nathan had died. How to you tell a 6 and 4 year old that kind of news? Such a difficult conversation to have:
Cohen: What happened with Nathan last night, Mom? (Elliot was sitting quietly by him but didn't say anything at all.)
Me: Well, you know how we knew there was an accident, but didn't know what happened or if he was okay?
Cohen: Yeah...
Me: Well, Nathan wasn't ok. He actually passed away... He died.
Cohen: (threw his hands in the air) Oh! So he's in heaven now! With Jesus!
Me: Yep. He is.
Cohen: How long 'til we get to see him again?
Me: A really, really long time. That's why I'm so sad, because we're going to have to wait a really, really long time to get to see him again.

The rest of that week is a blur. The past month is a blur. The outpouring of love from SO many people was incredible. People are so good. People are so thoughtful, and genuinely kind. From close friends to people we hadn't spoken to in years, everyone just wanted to shower us with love and support (and lots of flowers and food), and they did. It was the most incredible thing to experience–there was just so much love.

I miss him so much. It's weird, he didn't come over more than once, maybe twice a month, so I don't even know if I would have even seen him come around any sooner than today if he was still here. But I miss him SO MUCH. It seems like it has been so long since I've seen him. I miss his witty texts, his huge laugh, his sweet heart and his understanding and non-judgmental conversations. I know it should feel like one of my family members is gone, but it feels more like 90% of our family is just not here anymore. He was such a huge part of all of us. I think all of us knew him so differently from each other, because he was so good at connecting with people no  matter what they believed. We are all dealing with it a little differently, but all coming together to try to come to grips with what happened. We all want so many questions answered, but know that most of them never will be. I just try to remember all the good he showed to us and the world. He just wanted people to feel loved, and liked, and accepted.

Love you, brother. We all miss you so much it hurts.


-Obituary: http://www.andersonmortuary.com/obituaries/gary-nathan-abbott
-News article: https://www.ksl.com/?sid=43834612&nid=148